


If I'm Holding Back, I Might Just Lose My Mind

by Gleedegrassibigfan



Series: What Is It Exactly: Autistic Matteo [3]
Category: Druck | SKAM (Germany)
Genre: Autism, Autism Spectrum, Autism Spectrum Disorder, Autistic Matteo, Autistic Matteo Florenzi, Canon Compliant, Canon Trans Character, Davenzi, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, M/M, Mostly Canon Compliant, Platonic Relationships, Sensory Overload, Sensory Processing Disorder, Trans Male Character, What Is It Exactly: Autistic Matteo, amira/david friendship, amira/matteo friendship, and I guess Fritag 18:11 too, autism coming out, autistic author, autistic headcanon, autistic!matteo, i didn't really do any clip referencing this time oh well, samstag 15:34 if you squint, season 4ish, self-dignosed autism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-12
Updated: 2019-08-12
Packaged: 2020-08-19 10:10:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,558
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20208019
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gleedegrassibigfan/pseuds/Gleedegrassibigfan
Summary: “Sorry, I should have waited longer,” David said softly, his voice promoting Matteo to turn to face him as he stood hand still on the doorknob behind him. “I just didn’t know what else to say to Amira.”“It’s fine,” Matteo murmured, walking slowly towards the bed, steps a little off balance. “Why not though? We’ve done this a million fucking times."~or~Matteo has his first post-diagnosis sensory overload attack while he and David are hanging out with Amira, which leads to conversational contemplation about a bold step forward.





	If I'm Holding Back, I Might Just Lose My Mind

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! Welcome to part 3 of What Is It Exactly! A few notes before we get to it.
> 
> This fic series was meant to be canon-compliant, but since Druck is an open canon, it is sort of impossible to make it perfectly compliant. I made a whole timeline of canon and series events for my own sake, so if you want more information about the intricacies of this topic, let me know, and I'd be happy to explain how things fit or don't fit in with canon. 
> 
> Since I am back in David's POV, just a reminder that I am autistic, not trans, so please let me know if I need to adjust or edit anything!
> 
> Also, you should know that I am dyslexic, just in case you see in errors! :) 
> 
> The title is from "Don't Pretend" by Khalid.
> 
> Enjoy!

David was surprised to see that Matteo was standing up, not on the bed or the floor or any of the places David would have expected to see Matteo. He was hovering near David’s desk, hand pulling back from the lamp. David realized upon seeing that subtle movement and noticing that the room was dark that he actually shouldn’t have been suspired. It wasn’t that Matteo had chosen to forgo the “crashing down onto whatever looks safe enough” part of this routine. It was just that David had come in earlier than ever before. 

“Sorry, I should have waited longer,” David said softly, his voice promoting Matteo to turn to face him as he stood hand still on the doorknob behind him. “I just didn’t know what else to say to Amira.” 

“It’s fine,” Matteo murmured, walking slowly towards the bed, steps a little off balance. “Why not though? We’ve done this a million fucking times,” he continued, more frustrated with himself than with David. Once the words were out, he flopped down crookedly onto David’s bed and aggressively ran his hands over his face while letting out a grumbly sigh. 

“Well, it’s little different when there’s only one person out there,” David said, letting go of the still ajar door. When he reached the bed, he sat down on the edge. Matteo being at an angle with his shins and feet unevenly hanging off the bed just a little made it hard to find a good spot to sit, but David managed to fit himself into the situation, just like he always did. “And,” he continued. “It is a little harder to know what to say now that we actually know what is going on.”

“What do you mean?” Matteo asked, hands still covering his face. 

“It’s just harder to be vague when you know exactly what to say but know you can’t say it,” David said. “Before, I was almost as clueless as whoever I was talking to. I mean, I always knew more, but I still didn’t know how to explain it to people. But now, we have these words that make so much sense and make it so much easier to talk about it. But, I can’t use those words around other people, so it is just hard to go backward.” 

“And why can’t you use the actual words around people?” Matteo asked. He was following David’s logic, but it seemed he wasn’t going to put everything together on his own. 

“Because I don’t know how you feel about telling people, and I don’t want to say anything you don’t want me to say,” David said, turning to actual face Matteo straight on. He had taken his hands off his face. He must have been looking at the side of David’s head because when he registered the change in David’s position, he averted his eyes a bit, but still kept his gaze close. He didn’t say anything, so David figured he better keep going. He didn’t really want to get into all the details of the things he was thinking about, but he wanted to make sure Matteo understood what he was saying. “I just, I know how complicated this whole issue of disclosure can be, and I want to make sure you don’t have to deal with, you know…” David paused, taking a deep breath to quell the anxiety he could feel building in his chest. “I don’t want you to lose your ability to make these decisions for yourself. You deserve that agency. And we haven’t talked about this before, so I don’t want to overstep.” 

“David,” Matteo said, heavily. He knew. David could tell from his tone that Matteo knew exactly what David was thinking about, exactly what memories he was recalling. And he could tell that Matteo wanted to be there for him, that he wanted to switch the roles and be the one to provide the love and support. But he just couldn’t. He had exerted so much energy already, and he just didn’t have it in him. 

“It’s okay, I don’t want to go there right now, anyway,” David said. “Let’s just focus on you right now, okay?”

“Okay, some other time,” Matteo said and David nodded slightly before Matteo continued. “So, we really haven’t talked about it? We’ve talked about so much, though.”

They really had talked about so much since that first night that they discovered Matteo’s autism. It had been a few weeks and not a day when by that they didn’t talk about it. 

They had talked about stimming— “I didn’t know there was a word for that! I thought I was just fidgety, but that makes so much scene because it really does make me feel calmer and all that.”

They had talked about social energy— “No wonder I am so goddamn tired by the end of the day. I just run out of steam faster than most people. And I guess there are things that take energy for me that don’t take energy for normal people”

They had talked about hyper fixations and special interests— “Okay, memes are either a massive hyperfixations or a mild special interest. Not sure where the line is, but memes, David, memes.”

They had talked about identify first language— “I mean, yeah I am a person first, but I am an autistic person first. It’s a part of me, it’s how my brain works. It’s not just some parasite I caught in the Amazon rainforest.” 

They had talked about neurodiversity— “Oh, thank god, saying ‘neurotypical’ and ‘neurodivergent’ sounds ten times better than ‘normal’ and ‘fucked up’ or ‘most people’ and ‘me.’”

They had even talked about the intersection of being queer and autistic— “Hey, David, did you know that 70% of autistic people identify as not straight?” 

But they hadn’t talked about disclosure. As far as David knew, it hadn’t even crossed Matteo’s mind. 

They also hadn’t talked about what Matteo’s first sensory overload attack post-diagnosis might look like. 

Turns out, it wasn’t a simple as some of his previous ones. Or maybe the only real difference was that now Matteo could pinpoint more things that had contributed to the overload than ever before. He could see all the little things building up and he could even put them into words for the first time. 

“Hi, Matteo,” David had said, fondly, answering the phone while he carefully watered the plant near his bed. He only remembered to water the plants in his and Laura’s apartment when he was extremely bored, and since he all he was doing that day was waiting until it was time to hang out with Amira and Matteo, it was a perfect time to attend to their ever-growing collection of houseplants. 

“Hey,” Matteo said. His voice was a little scratchy, the way it sounded when he had either been talking all day or not at all. 

“What’s wrong?” David asked, immediately knowing Matteo was not doing well. 

“It’s just that, well, I um,” Matteo stumbled through his words. David set the green plastic watering can down on the floor and nearly forgot it was there as he sat down on his bed to continue listening to Matteo. “I just don’t think I can host Amira over at the flatshare right now. I know she is supposed to come over to talk about traveling and I know I said I wanted to have her over to my place, but I just can’t do it. It just, it isn’t going to work.”

David could sense Matteo getting worked up, as he so often did. “Okay, that’s okay. Why don’t you take a deep breath and tell me what’s going on?” 

“Okay, okay, yes, okay, breathing, right. Funny how I always forget to do such an essential thing,” Matteo joked, clearly trying to defuse the gravity of whatever he was feeling. “Yeah, so, things are just shitty right now. Hans has this guy over and they are playing music really loudly, and when I tried to get him to turn it down, he refused because he said he didn’t want the whole apartment to hear their sex noises, and honestly, like, I appreciate that, but, fuck, there are three other people in this apartment right now. God, Linn is in the kitchen and she is cooking, which I usually don’t mind, because, like, you know that I love food. But want to know something that you don’t know about me because I didn’t know it about me until two hours ago? I hate the smell of sesame oil! I am going to fucking puke, I can’t. Like why would someone want to eat that smell? I’ve never hated a smell so much in my life and it’s just everywhere. Goddamn it, this is sensory overload! That is what is happening isn’t? Shit.” 

“Yeah, sounds like it,” David said calmly in the brief space Matteo left for a response. 

“But, like, it’s not just that. I mean, that would be enough, but I don’t think it is all sensory related this time. Or maybe all the times have been more than the sensory stuff and I just never really realized it,” Matteo continued. David could practically see the wheels turning in his head. “But anyway, I tried to talk to our new sublease girl this morning because she was in the living room when I went in there, and I don’t know, it just sucked. We had a fine conversation, but sometimes it just takes so much goddamn social energy to have a conversation with someone. And I don’t know, I just left the living room feeling really shitty and then all the noise and the smells just showed up and I just, you know, uhg,” Matteo sighed and stopped talking for a moment. David didn’t want to interrupt Matteo if he wasn’t done. He clearly just needed to get all this off his chest and David was glad he could be his sounding board. “But it isn’t even just that, David!” he continued, practically yelling. “I can’t sleep with those damn street lights! Like I know the lights have been there since I moved it, but I just, I don’t know, it has gotten so much worse lately. Like either my sensory shit is getting worse or I am just thinking about it too much, but either way, I just can’t deal with it. So, I am tired from not fucking sleeping and I’m tired from all this autistic shit, and I just cannot stay in this flatshare and if I can’t stay here then there is no way I can host Amira. Honestly, I wouldn’t even want to host you here right now. I wouldn’t want to subject you to the shit that this place has to offer. Although, you would probably be just fine because you aren’t the autistic one in this fucking relationship.” It was silent again. “Okay, you can talk now. I’m done.”

“Okay,” David said. “First of all, I am so sorry that the flatshare is sensory hell right now and that you feel so shitty there. And, Matteo, don’t even worry about Amira. We can cancel with her, she’ll be fine. Just, please come over here. I am literally just watering plants. So please, get yourself out of that situation and come here.”

“Can Amira come over too?” Matteo asked, voice quiet again. 

“Wait, you still want to hang out with Amira this afternoon?” David questioned. 

“Well, yeah, I can’t cancel on Amira. We only have so much time left before she leaves Berlin and I just can’t piss her off,” Matteo said. “Plus, I’m sure I’ll be fine once I get out this, what did you call it, sensory hell?” 

“Yeah, I read an article about it,” David said, letting worry seep into his voice. He just couldn’t help himself anymore. 

“Man, you sure love articles these days,” Matteo said, forever trying to defuse with humor. 

“Matteo,” David said in that tone that both Matteo and David knew meant “I’m serious right now.” 

“I’m grabbing my backpack now, and I will be over there soon,” Matteo said. “I’ll be fine. Just, can you text Amira?”

“Yeah, I can, but are you sure you’ll be fine?” David asked. David had seen Matteo go through enough sensory overloads and overexertions and energy depletions to know they were experts at overstaying their welcome. 

And that was exactly what happened. Matteo had reassured David that he would be fine, but he wasn’t fine. He was laying on David’s bed completely devoid of social energy and completely overflowing with sensory input even in the quiet, darkness. 

“Yeah, we’ve talked about a lot. You’ve come a long way, but” David said, leaning back on the bed once he realized there was space for him to. “there is still so much stuff we haven’t talked about and so many more things to learn about situations like these.”

Matteo didn’t say anything for a while. They could both feel the weight of the situation. Last time this had happened the elephant in the room was so simple— Matteo needed to google his systems. But this time there was so much more, and the complications were even exhausting David. Amira left in the other room, questions about disclosure, the way Matteo was feeling, even the way David was feeling. 

It had been such a stressful few hours for him, and he felt bad lamenting, even just to himself, about how hard it had been for him when Matteo was the one that was really going through something, but David had to be honest. Waiting for Matteo to arrive at his apartment had been hell.

After Matteo had hung up the phone, David sent a quick text to Amira and then did his best to finish watering the plants. It took him double the time it usually did because he couldn’t stop himself from checking his phone between every plant. He thought he would receive an update form Matteo, an “I’m on the bus” or a “one-stop away” or an “I’m walking up now.” But there was nothing. 

After he changed clothes and straighten up a few things, he decided to be a good host and make tea. He put the kettle on the stove, checked with Amira to make sure the tea leaves he had were Halal, then turned his attention back to the kettle. He pushed all his anxiety about Matteo’s absence onto the kettle, willing it to boil faster and faster. When it finally did, he was even more anxious. It was three minutes until 16:00, the time they had originally planned to hang out, and he didn’t know if he should take the kettle off the stove. The water was ready to be poured, but no one had arrived yet and he didn’t want the water to get even a little bit cold while waiting. 

When he heard a knock on the door, he made the executive decision to remove the kettle from the stove and place it on the nearby trivet. If Matteo was at the door, Amira wouldn’t be far behind. And if it was Amira, David figured Matteo wouldn’t actually mind lukewarm tea. 

“Na, David,” Amira said cheerily after David opened the door. David smiled a meek smile. He knew in his gut that it was going to be Amira, but he couldn’t shake the disappointment of not seeing Matteo. “All good?” 

“Yes, Amira, hi,” David spit out nodding his head. It was probably just a pleasantry, but David couldn’t help but assume that Amira was already getting the sense that something was not as it should be. “Good to see you, come in,” he said, waving her through the doorway. 

“So,” Amira said as the two of them reached the kitchen and found places to stand near the whistling kettle. “Why the sudden change in location? And where is Matteo?” 

David figured that Amira was still wondering where Matteo was, or at least what was going on with him. Surely, she knew that he was in David’s room, she was smart, but even Amira couldn’t put everything together on her own. 

David and Matteo’s minds must have been more connected than they realized, because just as David started fretting about Amira’s presence in the apartment, Matteo spoke up about the same worry, pitched slightly differently.

“Is Amira mad?” Matteo asked, breaking the silence. 

David turned his head as he lay on the bed to look at Matteo, whose eyes were, as anyone could have predicted, closed tightly. He looked so scared. So, afraid of disappointing Amira. 

“No,” David said, calmly. When Matteo’s facial expression didn’t relax, David moved towards Matteo, bringing his legs onto the bed. His shoes were still on, but he didn’t care about getting his bedspread dirty. Matteo needed him to push their foreheads together and reach out for his hand to hold, so that is exactly what he did. “She isn’t mad. She isn’t mad that you were late. She isn’t mad that you got up and left.” 

“Really? I would be mad at me,” Matteo admitted. David just squeezed his hand. “How do you know she isn’t mad?” Matteo asked, not convinced. 

“Well, when she got here, she asked why we switched to my place and where you were,” David started. 

“And? What did you say?” Matteo asked. 

“Umm,” David had answered Amira’s question, thinking carefully before he proceeded. “Well, the flatshare was a bit crowded, so we figured this would be better.” 

“Okay,” Amira said. “And Matteo? Weird to see you without him latched on to you.” 

David couldn’t stop the smile as he looked down, only a bit embarrassed. He was pretty sure that under Amira’s surface-level callouts and roasts was love and appreciation, so there was no real need to feel bad. 

“Matteo is, um, you know,” David said, pausing to stop himself from saying anything too revealing. “He’ll be here soon.”

“Right, the only thing Matteo is better at than being obsessed with you is being two steps behind,” Amira said casually. She looked toward the kettle, and back to David. “Anyways, it’s fine. I’m used to it. So, what kind of tea are we having?”

“Yes, tea,” David said, springing back into action. He did his best to keep up with the small talk as they prepared tea and settled at the dining table. His film application, their friends' lives, shared Abi memories, Middle Eastern food, sibling comparisons, and, against David’s better judgment, Mohammad. Honestly, he just wanted to do anything to take his and Amira’s minds off Matteo. 

“So, how are things with Mohammad?” David asked, blowing slightly on the cup of tea in his hands as he brought it closer to his lips. The water had stayed hot enough, thank god. 

Amira cocked her head to the side just a bit, and said as nonchalantly as she could, “I came here to talk about traveling, not Mohammed.” 

“Fair enough,” David said, slyly, before he took a sip of tea. 

“You know what, I changed my mind, I do want honey after all,” Amira said, getting up from her seat across from David. 

As Amira went back into the kitchen, David’s phone finally vibrated. He nearly choked on his tea as scrambled to grab his phone. He tried his best to regain composure as he read the text message he had been anxiously waiting for. 

Matteo: hi, I’m so sorry. I fell asleep on the bus, but I’m almost at your place now. sorry to keep you and amira waiting. and I’m so sorry I’ve been MIA

David let out a sigh of relief. Yes, Matteo’s bus nap had kept him from adequately communicating, but David was so thankful that he had finally gotten some sleep and that Matteo’s lack of communication was nothing personal. 

David: Don’t worry about it. See you soon <3. 

Just as he was sending his message, Amira’s phone, which she had left face up on the table, lit up with a message. Even upside down, David could see what it said. 

Vollidiot: I’m on my way, I’m so so sorry coach

Just a moment later, Amira sat back down, honey in hand. She set it down in favor of picking up her phone to read the message. She didn’t have much of a reaction, but she responded quickly, clearly unfazed by Matteo’s lateness. 

“So, you really have Matteo saved as “Vollidiot” in your phone?” David asked, eyebrows raised. He had heard her call him that before, but he couldn’t help but pry at the contact name, which was either the sweetest thing Amira could do or a true reflection of a friendship read wrong. 

“Oh, yeah,” Amira said, placing her phone back on the table, face down. She wasn’t making eye contact, and that move, on anyone other than Matteo, probably meant they were feeling a little caught. At least, that’s what he figured Amira was feeling. Everyone knew that David would go all out to protect Matteo. “But it isn’t to be mean, or anything, I swear,” she said, looking back up at David. “I mean, in the beginning, it kind of was because he was such a disastrous bio partner. But now it is just because he really is, you know, a dumbass, little shit 75% of the time, not that it’s a bad thing. Everyone needs a little dumbass energy in their life every once and a while. But he really is a little shit.” 

David just smiled to himself. His gut was right. Amira really was the embodiment of that “looks like they could kill you, but is actually a cinnamon roll” meme. He was spending too much time with Matteo, memes popping up in his thoughts even when he wasn’t around. But that was part of why he loved Matteo. Amira was right. Everyone needs someone to lighten the mood and pull out in their inner “cinnamon roll,” as his lovable, dumbass boyfriend would put it. 

David shook himself out of that mind space, and dawned his smug facial expression once again, the perfect comeback ready to go. It wasn’t that David was necessarily ashamed to show his softer side, but he knew that the world might explode if he and Amira got any sappier. And, well, he did like to save that side of himself for Matteo. 

For example, he had no problem recounting to Matteo how talking about how much of a dumbass Matteo was with Amira made David remember why he fell in love with him the first place. 

“Like, if you hate us using the word “Vollidiot” about you, then I will stop and we can make sure Amira does too. But it’s really not an insult. For me, it’s this sweet little reminder of how you are this carefree, chill guy who doesn’t care about being perfect or right all the time. You just want to be with the people you love, hang out, be yourself, have fun and express yourself. It’s beautiful how chill you are, and how you are just so recklessly joyous.”

Matteo pressed his face closer to David’s, and scoffed a little before saying, “I thought you said you would never lie to me.” 

“I’m serious, Matteo,” David said. “I admire and adore your chaotic good energy.” 

“Oh my god, you really are picking up on the memes, aren’t you?” Matteo said, not being able to hide the pride in his voice, even in his moment of insecurity. His voice dropped again, though, when he said, “I’m not very recklessly joyous right now, though, am I?”

“No, but that’s because you are in the middle of a sensory overload and have zero social energy left,” David said. “This isn’t you. I mean, I know that your autism is a part of you. I remember what you told me about identity-first language. But you can’t judge yourself off who are at your lowest.” 

“Yeah, I guess you’re right,” Matteo said. “It’s just hard to see myself like you see me.”

“Well, then I guess I am going to have to keep telling you about wonderful you are,” David said, smiling. His eyes flashed down to Matteo’s lips, which seemed way to close for him not to kiss them. He looked back up at Matteo’s eyes and was pleasantly surprised to see that he was looking right at him. All David had to do was inch a tiny bit closer, and Matteo closed the gap, grazing his lips over David’s. David followed Matteo’s lead, keeping it short and straightforward. Just enough contact to remind them that they would always be in this together. 

When they separated, Matteo pushed his forehead back to David’s and smiled his dorky smile, the one that made his eyes crinkle. It was David’s favorite smile of Matteo’s. 

“What was your comeback?” Matteo said, voice airy and blissful. 

“Huh?” David asked, mind overtaken by how incredibly amazing Matteo was to him. 

“Your comeback, when you were talking about me being a dumbass with Amira, which I don’t mind, by the way,” Matteo clarified.

“Oh, right. Well, Amira had just called you a little shit—” David started. 

“Cool with that one too, for the record,” Matteo interrupted, unapologetically. 

“Good, because she had just called you a little shit, and so I said ‘And you want to be friends with a little shit?’ And then it wasn’t even 2 seconds before she was all like ‘And you want to date a little shit?’ Like all I could do was just sit back and take it. Called out, 100%.”

Matteo laughed, shaking his head, and David couldn’t help but laugh along with him. It was a beautiful moment, hands intertwined, foreheads pressed together as they laughed together at how ridiculously in love they were. It was almost enough to make them forget that Matteo had just been through a terrible sensory overload and that Amira was left abandoned in the dining room. Almost. 

“Well, I’m glad she wasn’t mad at me being late,” Matteo said when the laughter passed. 

“I wasn’t mad, either, just so you know,” David said. “I was worried as hell, but it all worked out.”

“Did it?” Matteo asked. “I mean, if things had worked out we would still be out there talking about French park benches and Australian spiders.”

“Amira is fine, though. We had a good 20 minutes of conversation before you had to leave, and she wasn’t upset when you got up,” David said. 

“That is impossible,” Matteo said. “And I don’t know if I would call that good conversation, though, to be honest, I barely even remember a word of it. I feel like I blacked out or something.”

“Well, you were sort of spacey the whole time,” David admitted reluctantly as silence fell over them. 

Matteo had been out of it, but he had also been trying so hard.

When Matteo had finally arrived, backpack slung loosely over his shoulder, jacket on despite the warm Berlin weather and exhaustion obvious on his face, he collapsed into David’s hug. David was sure that Matteo could have stayed there forever, head heavy on David’s shoulder and arms wrapped around David’s waist, but soon, Matteo pulled away. He took a deep breath, readjusted his backpack, and turned to walk into the kitchen, without even saying a word. 

He sat down at the dining table across from Amira, greeting her pleasantly with a hello and yet again another apology. While David prepared tea for Matteo, they started up a casual conversation, Amira harmlessly chastising Matteo for being late a little. Soon, David placed Matteo’s tea on the table in from of him, sat down and steered the conversation towards travel. 

At first, Matteo leaned into his joyful memories of their road trip and his coping mechanism of humor to get himself through the conversation, and David was genuinely impressed as to how well he was doing. But it didn’t take long for Matteo’s energy to run low and David could see him slipping. Amira probably could too. 

Matteo didn’t drink any of his tea. He didn’t even touch the mug. He was just sitting there, uncomfortably trying to listen and forcing himself to make eye contact. With every passing minute, he slouched more and more. His comments and contributions slowed down from the occasional relevant statement, to short reactions and affirmations, to silent nods and shrugs, to nothing at all. After a while, he started letting his eyes wander further and further away from Amira’s eyes. Matteo had tried so hard to be fine, but by the end of it, he looked entirely glazed over and so completely done. He hadn’t just reached his point, he had slid towards it despite desperately trying to hold himself together and away from the inevitable crash. 

But the crash came. 

“Matteo, are you still here?” Amira had asked, snapping her fingers in his direction, just like they had all become accustomed to. 

David turned his head to look at Matteo as he flinched at the faint sound and the presence of Amira’s hand in his visual field. David’s heart broke for him as Matteo turned his head, looking to both of them with utter fear in his eyes. His mouth was open ever so slightly, and David could tell he had words that he just couldn’t get out. David wanted to step in—say something, reach for his hand, touch his shoulder, find his foot under the table—but before David could process through what the best response would be, Matteo was on the move. 

The chair made a harsh screeching noise as slid across the floor, and as Matteo pushed himself up, he bumped his knee on the table, causing some of his untouched room temperature tea to splash out of the cup. David wasn’t even sure if Matteo noticed because he just continued on, rushing away from the dining room.

David closed his eyes for a second too long when he heard his bedroom dorm slam. He dreaded opening his eyes, but he did and there was Amira, looking confused and stunned by Matteo’s wordless outburst and hasty exit. 

“Okay, what just happened?” she asked strongly, looking to David expectantly. David didn’t answer right away, overwhelmed with inner turmoil over what his next move needed to be. Amira could clearly sense David’s unrest because she softened her tone before she continued. “What’s going on, David? Is everything okay?” 

David sighed, reaching for the napkins that he had thankfully placed in a basket on the table while setting up. “Matteo is just having a hard time right now,” he said, remembering that this part of the script didn’t have to change. It was just as true as saying “he is having sensory overload” or “he doesn’t have the social energy he needs for this conversation.” 

“Yeah,” Amira said, watching as David wiped up the table calmly. “Aren’t you going to go check on him?” 

“I will soon,” David said looking back up at Amira as he wadded up the wet napkins in his hand. 

She nodded slightly, leaning back in her chair. “And how soon is soon?”

“In a few minutes,” David said, leaning back in his chair as well. Amira nodded her head, and David just sat there unsure what to say. What kind of small talk worked well for this situation? None, David decided. “Okay, soon is now.”

David was shaken from his memories when Matteo spoke again after what David could only assume were a few silent minutes of his own reminiscing. “I just don’t see how she could possibly not be upset that I freaked out and left like that. I didn’t even say anything to her when I left.”

“I honestly think she was more confused than mad,” David said. “Confused and—” 

“God, I hate doing this to people,” Matteo exclaimed loudly, turning to lie flat on his back. David continued to clutch his hand as Matteo talked. “It’s just so fucking embarrassing to have to run out like that, but then half the time I can’t even focus on how shitty I feel because I am so mad at myself for being so rude. Like, I know what it feels like to have someone just up and leave with no real explanation and it sucks, and I keep doing that to people over and over and over. And I’m not talking about you going to Fürstenberg or needing space and whatever, by the way,” Matteo said, David surprised to get some clarity on Matteo’s statement, which did hit him harder than he would have cared to admit. “I mean, I am sort of talking about that time you left my apartment the first time we hung out, but we are way past that, and I am not still bitter about it, don’t worry. It’s more my dad, if I am being totally honest, just packing up and leaving like that. I mean, I can’t be that person.”

“You aren’t being that person, Matteo,” David sad earnestly and sternly. “That’s a totally different thing.” 

“Okay, forget my fucking dad,” Matteo sighed. “Fuck, I am too fucking exhausted to even have this conversation,” Matteo grumbled. He let go of David’s hand, turned over onto his stomach, pushed his face down into the mattress. David was left starting at him, unsure if he should say anything or just let the silence do the work. “It’s just,” Matteo mumbled into the bed. David figured he was probably the only one in the world who had to ability to understand Matteo’s speech in this moment. “It was so much easier when I didn’t know what was going on and I could just be a fucking asshole about it. I could just be mean and uncooperative and way too fucking high for anyone to want to be around me so they would leave me alone. But I didn’t want them to leave and I don’t want to have to leave, but I just can’t handle things. But I don’t want to be fucking alone, David, I really don’t. And now I know what is going on, so I should be able to not be so alone, but it isn’t any easier. Like maybe one day it will get better, but I just feel like I am working so hard to make things better, but I can only do so much.” 

David shifted on to his back and looked up at the ceiling, struck by how much Matteo was able to express and not even sure what to really say in response. “That’s a lot of words for someone who said they were too passed their point to have this conversation.”

Matteo turned his head a little so his mouth wasn’t speaking directly into the bed. “I um, when the words get unstuck, they really get unstuck,” Matteo remarked. “And I, um, guess I have been thinking about this stuff a lot. Like, for the past few weeks, not just today.” 

“Yeah, I was just thinking about how fast you processed through all that,” David said, looks back towards Matteo. 

“Yeah,” Matteo started. “I guess, I knew that my first panic attack or sensory overload or whatever after figuring things out wouldn’t be easy. Like, this whole day has been such a fucking minefield. Loud music and social interactions are hard enough, but knowing what is going on and still trying to gain a better understanding of it adds this whole other layer of shit. I’ve just been dreading it and when I got out of bed this morning I could tell that it was coming. Like, I could just feel it in my bones before anything even happened.” 

“Then why didn’t we just cancel with Amira?” David asked. “I mean, why push yourself to that point if there is something you can do to avoid it.”

“That’s just it, I am not so sure there is a way to avoid it. It’s just going to happen.”

“I refuse to believe that there’s nothing you can do about this, Matteo,” David said. “There are so many things. I mean, we read that whole article about things you can do to prevent and offset sensory problems, remember?”

“Yeah, but that’s preventative. Once you’re in the middle of it, there’s no stopping it,” Matteo said. He paused for a moment, then continued even softer. “And, this first time after was going to have to happen at some point.” Another pause. “And I think I knew deep down that if it was going to happen with anyone, Amira was a good one for it to happen with.”

“What do you mean?” David asked.

Matteo was silent for a while, processing.

“She would get it,” Matteo finally said. “And she did. You said she wasn’t mad. Just confused—”

“And concerned,” David said. Matteo looked up slightly, maybe a little shocked that David had interjected. “You cut me off earlier. I was going to say that she was confused and concerned. She just wanted to know what was going on and understand.”

David could see a small smile on Matteo’s lips before he pushed his face back into the bed. “See, she gets it,” he said muffled once again. After another moment of silence, Matteo asked, “Should I tell her?” 

“Tell her what?” David asked, genuinely confused. 

“You know, tell her that I’m autistic,” Matteo said. David had completely forgotten that this whole conversation had started with the topic of disclosure. 

“Matteo, you don’t have to tell her anything. You don’t owe anyone an explanation. You are in no way obligated to tell anyone anything,” David said, fervently. 

Matteo didn’t say anything, and David could tell it wasn’t the “Matteo is processing” silence. 

“I just—” David started to backtrack at the same time as Matteo spoke. 

“So, you don’t want me to tell her?”

“No, no, Matteo, it’s not that,” David said quickly, shifting on to his side and moving towards him again. “I would have no problem with people knowing you’re autistic. I am not ashamed of that or of you. I just,” David stopped for a beat before continuing. “I have a complicated relationship with disclosure that I am still working through. But if you want to tell her or anyone else, I am behind you 100%.” He felt Matteo’s hand reach out for his, and he accepted it. David could tell Matteo wanted so badly to comfort David at his mention of his own experiences with people finding out personal information. “I just want you to be in control of that, and I don’t want you to feel pressured by anything. You don’t have to tell her just because you feel like you were rude to her.”

“That’s not why. I really do want to tell her, David,” Matteo said, moving his head to the side a bit again. “Like I said, I can only do so much of the work on my own, and with you. I know we haven’t talked about it, but I’ve been thinking about it. And I want to. It’s just that I have spent so much time shutting people out and coming out as gay was hard enough and I only want to do it if you think it is a good idea.”

“I’m with you no matter what, Matteo, so you don’t have to worry about me supporting you,” David said. “But if you aren’t ready, you don’t have to tell her right now. You’ve got time.”

“No, I am ready. I’m just a little scared.” Matteo admitted, taking a deep breath before continuing with a strength that made David even more proud of Matteo than he already was. “But I’ve gotta do it, because I really am ready. I’m ready to start living. I’m ready to stop pretending and holding back and doing this alone. I don’t want to do this alone anymore.”

“You are not alone, Matteo,” David said, nuzzling closer to Matteo and running his other hand through his messy hair. “You are so, so loved. By me, by everyone. So, if you are ready to tell Amira, and want to take that step, then you should tell her.” 

“Tell me what?” Amira asked from the other side of the doorway, head peering into the room. It was only then David realized he had left the door just a little bit open when he came in. “Sorry, you don’t have to answer that,” she said, taking a few steps into the room as David sat up, still sitting on the bed and holding Matteo’s hand. “I was just coming to let you guys know that I am going to leave now, unless…” she trailed off. 

David looked down at Matteo, who hadn’t moved at all. Again, he didn’t know what to say. This was on Matteo, and David knew it was important to let him have this moment if he wanted it.

Just a few seconds later, Matteo took the moment. Matteo mumbled into the mattress, “I’m autistic.” 

David broke into a proud smile as he kept his eyes on Matteo and squeezed his hand lovingly. A moment later, when David realized that Amira was worryingly silent, he did turn his head back to her and saw her look of apologetic confusion. The obvious reason hit David in no time. 

David leaned towards Matteo, and whispered, “I don’t think she could hear you.” Matteo simply grumbled something even David couldn’t quite comprehend, released their hands and gently pushed at David’s thigh. David smiled, picking up what Matteo was requesting. 

He got up and went over to stand by Amira. “Matteo said that he is autistic,” he reiterated calmly and clearly. He watched her face as she took in the information. He could see that classic moment of realization and recognition as she mentally putting things together, recalling memories in a new light and being to understand Matteo better. Her final facial expression was one David was glad to see— loving acceptance. 

She stepped away from David, and crouched down beside the bed, not far from where Matteo’s head was still pushed into the mattress. David could tell he was still nervously anticipating her reaction, but just like Matteo’s subconscious had known, he had nothing to be afraid of. 

“Matteo, thank you so much for telling me,” Amira said. “And it’s no big deal that today didn’t work out. I totally get it. I mean, I don’t totally, but I get that there are good days and bad days. But I do want to understand more than just that, as much as I can. I want to be there for whatever you need because that’s what good friends do. But you’re going to have to talk to me. You gotta tell me what I need to know, so I can be there, okay? So, you’ll talk to me when you can, right?” 

In lei of a verbal response to Amira’s questioning, Matteo just recklessly stuck out his full arm, almost whacking Amira in the face as he did, and gave her a thumbs up. 

Amira just chuckled and stood up, as she said, “Okay, Vollidiot, good, good.” 

David smiled at the term of endearment before saying, “I’ll walk you out,” even though it was just a few steps to the front door. 

The two of them walked out of the room and as David began to open the front door, Amira spoke quietly. 

“I’m really glad he told me,” she said, thoughtfully. 

“You know, me too,” David said, settling into this new reality of openness. “I’m glad that he has a friend like you that he can trust. And if Matteo feels confident enough to be so open so quickly, well, that is courage I can most certainly admire.”

“How long has he been dealing with this?” Amira asked stepping out into the hallway. 

“His whole life, but if you are asking how long he’s known, it’s only been three, maybe four weeks,” David answered from inside the apartment. 

“Right, right sorry,” Amira said. “Like I said, I don’t know everything. But I was serious. I’m here for him no matter what. Even if it is from Australia.” 

“Thank you,” David said, sincerely. 

“And just so you know,” she said, a little bit shyly, perhaps. “That is true for you, too. I’m here if you ever need anything. About Matteo or anything, really.”

David just smiled knowingly, and warmly said “Thank you, Amira. Really, thank you.”

“And don’t you worry,” she said, tone light as she turned to walk down the stairs. “I am working on coming up with a better nickname for you than just ‘Vollidiot’s boyfriend.’”

David laughed and called out, “I would be offended if you weren’t!” 

He shut the front door, and went back into his room, thinking about how happy he was to have Amira in his life. In Matteo’s life. In their life. 

When he got back in his room, door fully closed this time, Matteo was sitting cross-legged on the bed, David’s pillow in his arms. Before David could even tell Matteo how proud he was of him, Matteo heavily let out one word. “Jonas.”

“Jonas,” David repeated back. 

“I have to tell him next.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! See you next Monday for part 4! 
> 
> About the LGBT/autism intersection:  
https://www.spectrumnews.org/opinion/viewpoint/need-respect-sexual-orientation-gender-diversity-autism/


End file.
